Acceptance and beyond (part 2)

In my last blog post, I wrote about how I had decided to become conscious of and eliminate judgmental thinking.  I shared about the peace of mind that resulted. 

Acceptance and relationships

I didn't say how this affected my relationships with others.  What happened was that harmony ensued, more than I had ever experienced before.  As I let go of thinking that anyone was "supposed to be" different from how they are, others noticed the shifts in my thinking and responded to them.  I was no longer "better than" or "less than" but more human, more heart-centered and less in my head.  

Before I tried this, even if I didn't share my thoughts or judgments with others they responded to me as though I had.  Eliminating judgmental thinking allowed me to have relationships with others that are much more fun, since we can now play instead of arguing about the "right" or "wrong" way to do something.  I also feel less lonely since I no longer distance myself from  people I had previously judged as "crazy" or "dangerous".  I began to have a community of my peers, give as well as receive support from others, and experience love and partnership because I didn't feel responsible for trying to change others.  I set myself free and I said to myself "Atlas, you can put the world down now!"    

I digress.  Yet didn't want to miss the chance to acknowledge and celebrate how eliminating judgmental thinking shifted my relationships with others.  Now, on to the missing piece from the last blog...  

The Missing piece-trust and faith

Before I could celebrate having a flat tire, rather than bemoan it, I needed to know that the flat tire was serving some purpose in my life.  That it was a gift.  That there was some meaning to it having happened.  Eliminating the judgment was the first step in shifting my experience.  Yet I also needed to have trust and faith that there is a bigger picture that is happening, that this bigger plan is orchestrated by a loving power, that I am part of that loving power, and that it wants me to be happy.  I needed to surrender to the flow of my life and believe that even a flat tire is serving some purpose.  Perhaps it is protecting me from experiencing an auto accident or traffic jam?  Or perhaps it is providing me with an opportunity to make a contribution to the flow of someone else's life?  

Who or what is in charge?

I don't believe that I'm a puppet on a string and some force outside myself is making things happen in my life, to me.  I believe that my life is a co-creation with a powerful loving force and that together we manifest things in the material realm.  I believe that bringing the spiritual into the physical is the goal of this partnership with The Source.  It needs my hands to make things happen on Earth and it communicates what it wants me to do through inspiration.

Real world experience

Not long after I made the decision to celebrate everything, including flat tires, I had a flat tire experience.  I pulled over to the side of the road and got out of my car.  It was threatening rain and before I could even see if a flat tire was what had been causing the unusual noise I had heard, a car pulled up behind me.  Two men in their 20's jumped out of their car and asked me if I needed a hand.  I was back on the road within minutes, just as the first raindrops fell on the windshield, having met two new friends, and shouting "Thank You God!"  This was more fun than my prior experience of having a flat tire where I cried and waited over-an-hour for AAA to arrive and change it! 

Can you see The Source's presence in this flower?

So changing my attitude and accepting what is happening in each moment, rather than wishing it was different from what it is, has definitely brought more peace into my life.  

What has been your experience with accepting and/or trying to change life's unexpected happenings?  Please share your comments below...

Abiding Wealth in Our Relationships

  Are you wondering "How can we have everything we need for our relationships abiding or already within us?" "Isn't relationship success based on skills that you must learn?" Yes. And no.  I'll clarify what I mean.

Connection with self supports connection with others 

We have everything within us regarding feelings and needs. These are what let us know when we are moving into danger that has the hair standing up on the back of our necks. Our experience of sipping a cool drink on a hot summers day-our need for thirst is satisfied and our bodies let us know how much we enjoy that experience. If we didn't have needs, we might lay around like a dog, not ever moving, until we became hungry and/or wanted some affection.

Feelings and needs support us in knowing whether or not we can trust someone, discernment. If we overlook the messages we receive we can end up with regrets in our relationships down the road. Perhaps you have experienced this? It goes like this: We find ourselves heartbroken after seeing someone for a few weeks, months, or years and then we exclaim "I knew that guy was not honest on our first date!" But we didn't acknowledge and/or appreciate those messages and the consequence was pain.

Pain can be a teacher

The pain is telling us something as well. It is attempting to get our attention so we won't do the same thing again. So we will remember the experience and learn from it so we don't repeat it.

While we do have all the information we need within us for success in relationships (our feelings and needs/values), we may not have all the skills we need to share these. I certainly didn't. My students over the last ten years have not known how to share these either. Intimacy (the ability to allow another to "into-me-see") requires self-knowledge, a willingness to share that self-knowledge with another, and skills for communicating our self-knowledge to another. We can learn how to be vulnerable over time, as we feel safe, comfortable, and can trust ourselves (and later, others) without overriding our own inner limits of comfort.

Connection with others is easier when we are connected to ourselves

Vulnerability is a gift when there is safety

Vulnerability is not something our culture encourages. I recall how important it was  in Junior High to fit in.  I wore knee socks when the other girls at school were wearing  panty hose?  Being teased about this was embarrassing and I hated my parents for not  being willing to pay for panty hose.  I understand their concern that it would cost them  a pretty penny for a 12-year to learn how to wear panty hose without destroying them  everyday.  Being the eldest of four girls I would have set precedent for my three younger  sisters as well, which would have multiplying the cost by four.  Authenticity was not  appreciated (I still love knee socks) or valued and neither was being vulnerable. I learned  to hide my feelings of vulnerability in order to fit in.  I needed to learn how to feel safe in  my own skin before I could feel safe enough to choose to be vulnerable with anyone else  (I've written more about this in my book and possibly in a future blog post too). 

It has taken me many years to embrace vulnerability and experience the benefits firsthand.  I have grown in self-trust and this has allowed me to be more vulnerable with others while still feeling safe.  Being more open and vulnerable has created intimacy with myself and with others by deepening connection, trust, and intimacy.  Vulnerability has become more and more satisfying as a way of being than being protective.  In fact, it has given me freedom, authenticity, honesty, and autonomy in relationship with myself and others. 

Do you value vulnerability? If so, why? If not, why not? I look forward to hearing your comments below!