Abiding Wealth in Our Relationships

  Are you wondering "How can we have everything we need for our relationships abiding or already within us?" "Isn't relationship success based on skills that you must learn?" Yes. And no.  I'll clarify what I mean.

Connection with self supports connection with others 

We have everything within us regarding feelings and needs. These are what let us know when we are moving into danger that has the hair standing up on the back of our necks. Our experience of sipping a cool drink on a hot summers day-our need for thirst is satisfied and our bodies let us know how much we enjoy that experience. If we didn't have needs, we might lay around like a dog, not ever moving, until we became hungry and/or wanted some affection.

Feelings and needs support us in knowing whether or not we can trust someone, discernment. If we overlook the messages we receive we can end up with regrets in our relationships down the road. Perhaps you have experienced this? It goes like this: We find ourselves heartbroken after seeing someone for a few weeks, months, or years and then we exclaim "I knew that guy was not honest on our first date!" But we didn't acknowledge and/or appreciate those messages and the consequence was pain.

Pain can be a teacher

The pain is telling us something as well. It is attempting to get our attention so we won't do the same thing again. So we will remember the experience and learn from it so we don't repeat it.

While we do have all the information we need within us for success in relationships (our feelings and needs/values), we may not have all the skills we need to share these. I certainly didn't. My students over the last ten years have not known how to share these either. Intimacy (the ability to allow another to "into-me-see") requires self-knowledge, a willingness to share that self-knowledge with another, and skills for communicating our self-knowledge to another. We can learn how to be vulnerable over time, as we feel safe, comfortable, and can trust ourselves (and later, others) without overriding our own inner limits of comfort.

Connection with others is easier when we are connected to ourselves

Vulnerability is a gift when there is safety

Vulnerability is not something our culture encourages. I recall how important it was  in Junior High to fit in.  I wore knee socks when the other girls at school were wearing  panty hose?  Being teased about this was embarrassing and I hated my parents for not  being willing to pay for panty hose.  I understand their concern that it would cost them  a pretty penny for a 12-year to learn how to wear panty hose without destroying them  everyday.  Being the eldest of four girls I would have set precedent for my three younger  sisters as well, which would have multiplying the cost by four.  Authenticity was not  appreciated (I still love knee socks) or valued and neither was being vulnerable. I learned  to hide my feelings of vulnerability in order to fit in.  I needed to learn how to feel safe in  my own skin before I could feel safe enough to choose to be vulnerable with anyone else  (I've written more about this in my book and possibly in a future blog post too). 

It has taken me many years to embrace vulnerability and experience the benefits firsthand.  I have grown in self-trust and this has allowed me to be more vulnerable with others while still feeling safe.  Being more open and vulnerable has created intimacy with myself and with others by deepening connection, trust, and intimacy.  Vulnerability has become more and more satisfying as a way of being than being protective.  In fact, it has given me freedom, authenticity, honesty, and autonomy in relationship with myself and others. 

Do you value vulnerability? If so, why? If not, why not? I look forward to hearing your comments below!