Abiding Wealth in Our Relationships

  Are you wondering "How can we have everything we need for our relationships abiding or already within us?" "Isn't relationship success based on skills that you must learn?" Yes. And no.  I'll clarify what I mean.

Connection with self supports connection with others 

We have everything within us regarding feelings and needs. These are what let us know when we are moving into danger that has the hair standing up on the back of our necks. Our experience of sipping a cool drink on a hot summers day-our need for thirst is satisfied and our bodies let us know how much we enjoy that experience. If we didn't have needs, we might lay around like a dog, not ever moving, until we became hungry and/or wanted some affection.

Feelings and needs support us in knowing whether or not we can trust someone, discernment. If we overlook the messages we receive we can end up with regrets in our relationships down the road. Perhaps you have experienced this? It goes like this: We find ourselves heartbroken after seeing someone for a few weeks, months, or years and then we exclaim "I knew that guy was not honest on our first date!" But we didn't acknowledge and/or appreciate those messages and the consequence was pain.

Pain can be a teacher

The pain is telling us something as well. It is attempting to get our attention so we won't do the same thing again. So we will remember the experience and learn from it so we don't repeat it.

While we do have all the information we need within us for success in relationships (our feelings and needs/values), we may not have all the skills we need to share these. I certainly didn't. My students over the last ten years have not known how to share these either. Intimacy (the ability to allow another to "into-me-see") requires self-knowledge, a willingness to share that self-knowledge with another, and skills for communicating our self-knowledge to another. We can learn how to be vulnerable over time, as we feel safe, comfortable, and can trust ourselves (and later, others) without overriding our own inner limits of comfort.

Connection with others is easier when we are connected to ourselves

Vulnerability is a gift when there is safety

Vulnerability is not something our culture encourages. I recall how important it was  in Junior High to fit in.  I wore knee socks when the other girls at school were wearing  panty hose?  Being teased about this was embarrassing and I hated my parents for not  being willing to pay for panty hose.  I understand their concern that it would cost them  a pretty penny for a 12-year to learn how to wear panty hose without destroying them  everyday.  Being the eldest of four girls I would have set precedent for my three younger  sisters as well, which would have multiplying the cost by four.  Authenticity was not  appreciated (I still love knee socks) or valued and neither was being vulnerable. I learned  to hide my feelings of vulnerability in order to fit in.  I needed to learn how to feel safe in  my own skin before I could feel safe enough to choose to be vulnerable with anyone else  (I've written more about this in my book and possibly in a future blog post too). 

It has taken me many years to embrace vulnerability and experience the benefits firsthand.  I have grown in self-trust and this has allowed me to be more vulnerable with others while still feeling safe.  Being more open and vulnerable has created intimacy with myself and with others by deepening connection, trust, and intimacy.  Vulnerability has become more and more satisfying as a way of being than being protective.  In fact, it has given me freedom, authenticity, honesty, and autonomy in relationship with myself and others. 

Do you value vulnerability? If so, why? If not, why not? I look forward to hearing your comments below!

Abiding Wealth: Making Decisions with Ease and Confidence

 Folks say to make lists of pros and cons when we making decisions. They say to collect all the information, the facts. Yet research shows that purchases, even ones with higher price tags, are made on impulse and/or emotionally based rather than logical.

Marketers push our "not-enough button"

We have heard and seen the T.V. ads that show sexy women, scantily dressed, imploring we will have more fun, attract more love, get more sex, be more powerful, (fill in the blank) if we purchase this thing. These ads are designed to appeal to our "not enoughness", which encourages us to purchase products that will support us in feeling "enough". As you know by now, no matter how much money you spend, this doesn't work. That's because being enough has nothing to do with what sort of car we drive or any other purchase we might make. It is an inside job-the "enoughness" is something money and material possessions cannot touch/effect.

Bright, shiny objects can distract us from connecting with ourselves

"Enoughness", a verb in this case, comes from inside us. Decisions that support our well-being come from the same place that this "enoughness" comes from. It's a confidence, an inherent wisdom or knowing.

Confidence is power that comes from being connected to our inner resources

Confidence is known to be the most attractive quality for both men and women, when considering the opposite sex. Where does confidence come from? I believe it comes from knowing, which comes from our bodies. Knowing is not something that our minds can figurer out-it is wisdom that comes from our guts and our hearts, not our heads. Confidence is a certainly about ourselves whereas knowing is a certainty about something outside ourselves.

The next time you need to make a decision, whether it is what to have for lunch or whether to take a job and move across the country, check in with yourself and ask if you are confident/certain about the decision you are making. How do you know it is a decision that will support your well-being? Where did the information come from to make the confident decision? Please share your observations below and let me know your experience, ok?

Abiding Wealth: What feelings and needs have to do with happiness

Happy s a feellng. We experience this feeling when our needs are being met. When our needs are not being met, we might experience feelings like frustration, sadness, or regret.

Needs and Values are similar and guide us toward happiness

Needs are Universal, by this I mean all people have them, no matter where they live, how old (or young) they are, or what the balance is in their checking account. Needs can also be thought of as values or things that are important to us. Examples of needs/values include peace, food, respect, companionship, and trust.

We feel happy when our needs are being met. That is, when some need of mine is being experienced or fulfilled, such as being accepted I'm happy.

Reaching past happy-into ecstacy

Ecstacy is a really big happy and happens when our needs are met and then some. We are "over the top" happy when we are ecstatic. This can be during sex and orgasm or in our daily lives when we experience success or love in a big way.

I've noticed when I get in bed and have more than 9 hours to rest and sleep I can't stop giggling-it makes me so happy to have that spaciousness and time to rest! Is there something that makes you giggle with happiness, if so, post what it is below, so we can all share in the delight and perhaps even learn from each other!

Abiding Wealth: An Exploration of Our Inner Resources

What are inner resources? How do they impact our lives?

Feelings and needs/values

I've been teaching feelings and needs since January, 2005. During this time, I've noticed that there are very few people who know what they are feeling and/or needing in each moment. I mourn this because how can we get what we need if we don't know what it is?  Yet our education system, all 12 years of elementary school, doesn't mention feelings or needs or teach us how to recognize them. Why? What would happen if people were in touch with our feelings and needs/values?

Navigating by our internal compass provides autonomy and personal power 

We would be less easily controlled by outside forces, certainly. We would follow our inner longings and guidance. We would be self-directed and less easily manipulated by others. This would not serve those who are in power in the world. Yet it would support each of us in our individual "pursuit of happiness".

This greater fulfillment would, in turn, make it even less likely that "the powers that be" would have us doing what they want us to do. It would mean that we each would be listening to our internal compass and navigating our lives from this place.

The gifts of all six "senses"

Other internal resources, in addition to our feelings and values, include our intuition. This gift is something that the majority of people in our culture don't even believe exists. Yet each time I have spoken with someone who is a professional psychic they have told me that we each have this ability, not just a few of us. Yet when I've worked at Health Fairs where psychics were present, people are very willing to pay money to hear what they have to say. There are even people who follow the guidance of a psychic on a daily basis, as though they are blind and the psychic can see what is ahead for them more clearly than they can see their own future.

We each have our intellect and all of our five (some say six) senses as well. These are resources that we can call on to navigate our way to the most satisfying and fulfilling path for our individual Soul's. Yet how many choose careers based upon what their parents value, rather than checking their inner resources? How many choose a career based upon the job market, instead of what would make their heart sing?

For You 

Using inner resources leads us in a different direction

Career is not the only area where inner resources come in handy when making a decision. Have you ever said you wished you had followed your intuition and had regrets when you didn't? Have you ever met someone and known on the first date that they were (fill in the blank) and things would not work between you yet continued to date them, only to break up years later for the reason you filled in the blank? Have you ever had an urge to bring something with you as you left the house and not done so, only to regret it when you arrived at your destination? These are a few examples of ways our inner resources support us in our lives, and the consequences when we don't acknowledge and/or utilize them.


What internal resource do you value most in your own life?   I'd enjoy hearing your comments below.