Your library card

Do you use yours on a regular basis?  Are you concerned that your library card  has expired?  Or are you not sure if you even have a library card any longer?  In the last month, I've connected with my local library more than all the times over the last year combined.  Things have changed and I've been pleasantly surprised by these changes so I wanted to give you a heads up.  If you aren't already aware of these changes you might find yourself feeling immense gratitude for this free external resource.  

My mother died three months ago (in case you've wondered why I haven't posted on this blog for the last few months, it's because I've been focused internally and grieving).  I've added new support systems into my life to support me through the grieving process.  Some of the people who are now supporting me have been suggesting books for me to read for various reasons.  Consequently, I've slowed down the pace of my life and am enjoying reading everyday, once again.

  

Over the course of this last month I've ben impressed and grateful for my library card.  I have renewed books via my computer with the online system and saved myself a drive back and forth to the closest branch  I've checked books out of the local branch without the help of a librarian since the system has been automated to scan both library cards and books.  I even receive email reminders when books are due, which support me in avoiding late fees.  All these changes are available due to technology and I'm finding that they make using my library card much easier, more helpful, and less time consuming.      

This afternoon I went to my local library's website and checked for a book someone recommended to me.  I was surprised to see that there were 247 people waiting for this book.  I was simultaneously delighted to see that the library has 54 copies of this book!  I was able to see the status for each copy: how many were in transit from one location to another, when each copy was due back to each location, and more.  I placed my request for this book, using the little plastic tag I have on my keychain, and placed a hold on one of these copies of the book in less than three minutes,  from my home computer, without ever leaving my home.  

Last week, when I received an email notifying me that the book I was currently reading would need to be returned to the library within 4 days, I went to the library's  website and was able to renew that book, as well as one I had not even started to read yet, that was also due in four days.  This renewal process took less than two minutes to google the website, log into my account, and renew both books for an additional two weeks.  What a relief to have the process be so easy!

Another use of my library card that I enjoy is "renting" videos, Cd's and DVD's-for free.  My favorite films are documentaries yet our local library has a host of other genres as well.    

I want to also mention books on tape.  What a resource for those of you who drive more than 20 minutes each day.  You can learn a new language and/or be inspired for an upcoming vacation by listening to these amazing resources.  In the past, my life has been enriched and my time used efficiently while commuting and listening to books on tape.  My partner John and I read to each other most evenings and what a nurturing treat it is to do this for each other.  Books on tape nurture you even when your partner has other plans.

So I'm learning and growing and grieving and saving time and gasoline by utilizing my library card.  How's that for an external resource that enhances your life?  Have you found uses for your library card in addition to those I've mentioned above?  If so, please share below so we can all enjoy them!  

  

What stories are you telling yourself?

Are you listening to the stories you are telling yourself?

Do you spend time alone each day? If so, do you listen to music during that time? Or are you someone who turns the TV on when you get up in the morning and leaves it on until you go to bed each night? If so, you might not be aware of what stories you are telling yourself. Yet these stories are running your life. 

Listening within brings freedom

I enjoy spending time in quiet each day. Whether this quiet time is spent in meditation or journaling or silence doesn't matter as much as that I'm being with myself in the silence. In this silence I can hear what I am saying to myself.

How our stories affect our life

Hearing our own thoughts is important because these "stories" create our feelings which in turn create our experiences in the world. Research has documented that 80% of the thoughts we think are the same day after day, throughout our whole lives. I believe this is because we are not listening to our thoughts. I believe that when we listen to our thoughts, we have more choice about what we think. After all, how can you change something if you are not even aware it exists?

An example from my life

I often heard my mother tell me that I was "too big" to be held. Intellectually, I knew she said this because she was required to wear a brace while pregnant with my sister when I was three. This brace supported her from having pain while her belly pinched a nerve from weight and it prohibited her from lifting more than a few pounds, including picking me up. Yet even with this understanding, I repeatedly experienced being "too big" throughout my life. I realized this story was operating for me when i did an exercise at an International Intensive Training in Nonviolent Communication, at the age of 49.

Trusting another to support us brings freedom 

In the exercise, we were instructed to lean into another person with our full weight, as they leaned back toward us, seeing if we trusted them to support us. I reluctantly created a triangle by leaning in, until the man I was partnered with said to me something about my reluctance. I was both shocked by his honesty as well as grateful for the information.

After that exercise I decided that it was safe for me to join "puppy piles" and snuggle with others and allow myself to be held, something that until then I had thought was for others but not for me. I realized that, in fact, I was not "too big" to be touched. I shifted my story from being "too big" to allowing myself to surrender to another and know that I could trust them to support my weight. This has increased my ability to be intimate in many ways.

Choosing the stories we tell ourselves empowers us

I hope you are empowered by this sort of thinking. It certainly has empowered me. I have, on more than one occasion, discovered a thought that surprised me. By becoming aware of these thoughts, I've seen how telling a "story" resulted in frustration and how that frustration was e a direct result of telling that story. By becoming aware of the story, I was able to change it to something I wanted instead. My point here is that you cannot change what you are not aware of and that by becoming aware of your thoughts you can have more choice about your experiences in life. 

What's your experience with "stories"?

Is there a story that you are becoming aware of? How can you change this story so that it empowers, rather than disempowers, you? I welcome your comments below! 

Acceptance and beyond (part 2)

In my last blog post, I wrote about how I had decided to become conscious of and eliminate judgmental thinking.  I shared about the peace of mind that resulted. 

Acceptance and relationships

I didn't say how this affected my relationships with others.  What happened was that harmony ensued, more than I had ever experienced before.  As I let go of thinking that anyone was "supposed to be" different from how they are, others noticed the shifts in my thinking and responded to them.  I was no longer "better than" or "less than" but more human, more heart-centered and less in my head.  

Before I tried this, even if I didn't share my thoughts or judgments with others they responded to me as though I had.  Eliminating judgmental thinking allowed me to have relationships with others that are much more fun, since we can now play instead of arguing about the "right" or "wrong" way to do something.  I also feel less lonely since I no longer distance myself from  people I had previously judged as "crazy" or "dangerous".  I began to have a community of my peers, give as well as receive support from others, and experience love and partnership because I didn't feel responsible for trying to change others.  I set myself free and I said to myself "Atlas, you can put the world down now!"    

I digress.  Yet didn't want to miss the chance to acknowledge and celebrate how eliminating judgmental thinking shifted my relationships with others.  Now, on to the missing piece from the last blog...  

The Missing piece-trust and faith

Before I could celebrate having a flat tire, rather than bemoan it, I needed to know that the flat tire was serving some purpose in my life.  That it was a gift.  That there was some meaning to it having happened.  Eliminating the judgment was the first step in shifting my experience.  Yet I also needed to have trust and faith that there is a bigger picture that is happening, that this bigger plan is orchestrated by a loving power, that I am part of that loving power, and that it wants me to be happy.  I needed to surrender to the flow of my life and believe that even a flat tire is serving some purpose.  Perhaps it is protecting me from experiencing an auto accident or traffic jam?  Or perhaps it is providing me with an opportunity to make a contribution to the flow of someone else's life?  

Who or what is in charge?

I don't believe that I'm a puppet on a string and some force outside myself is making things happen in my life, to me.  I believe that my life is a co-creation with a powerful loving force and that together we manifest things in the material realm.  I believe that bringing the spiritual into the physical is the goal of this partnership with The Source.  It needs my hands to make things happen on Earth and it communicates what it wants me to do through inspiration.

Real world experience

Not long after I made the decision to celebrate everything, including flat tires, I had a flat tire experience.  I pulled over to the side of the road and got out of my car.  It was threatening rain and before I could even see if a flat tire was what had been causing the unusual noise I had heard, a car pulled up behind me.  Two men in their 20's jumped out of their car and asked me if I needed a hand.  I was back on the road within minutes, just as the first raindrops fell on the windshield, having met two new friends, and shouting "Thank You God!"  This was more fun than my prior experience of having a flat tire where I cried and waited over-an-hour for AAA to arrive and change it! 

Can you see The Source's presence in this flower?

So changing my attitude and accepting what is happening in each moment, rather than wishing it was different from what it is, has definitely brought more peace into my life.  

What has been your experience with accepting and/or trying to change life's unexpected happenings?  Please share your comments below...

Acceptance and beyond (part 1)

Water flows to the sea.  Attempting to stop it is futile and creates unhappiness

Acceptance. Ah, just the word allows me to breathe easier. It creates peace and freedom inside my body. This peace and freedom create spaciousness in my mind and comes from not wanting things to be different from how they are. It comes from the mind slowing down the "if only's". The "if only's" are those thoughts that start out "if only…" (fill in the dots with something you wish were different). For example, if only my cat would sit in my lap, rather than climbing on my shoulders, if only my rent was $200 less each month, If only the democrats (or republicans) were in control of the Senate, if only I were 20 pounds lighter (or heavier), and on and on and on. The list never stops. We can either accept things or try to change them. Our choice determines how much peace we experience.

What can we change, really?

The only thing we really have control over, or can change, is our own attitude. Attempting to change anything else or anyone else, is going to rob us of peace and freedom. Trying to change others will likely lead to resentments and power struggles which will definitely take away our peace.

If we try to change things we could be in for a battle. If we accept things as they are, there is nothing to battle, nothing to fight, no struggle. There is peace, inside our heads and our bodies as well as in our relationships with self and others.

Except when our values need to be fought for…

There are times when choosing to do battle with/for something will create more internal peace than accepting it for how it is. Fighting injustices, for example, may allow us to experience more peace because we are aligned with our values but that is a subject for another blog post.

Beyond acceptance...

Years ago, I made a decision that I wanted to be able to not just accept but to celebrate things I had thought were unacceptable. I decided that I wanted to live my life celebrating the unexpected and the "undesirable". Specifically, I wanted to see if I could have a flat tire and shout "yes!" in acceptance and celebration of the experience. My decision was to not spend my time or energy lamenting what was and instead accept what is. The goal was to trust and celebrate what was happening, rather than try to change it. It was a grand experiment to see if acceptance would increase my peace and happiness. I believed if I could do accept and celebrate the things I had avoided or feared, I could create peace in my life on a moment-by-moment basis.

I knew when I made this decision that it would be a challenge. My thinking had been programmed in terms of "good" and "bad" and this way of thinking was a deeply ingrained habit that I knew would not be easy to break. I had been socially conditioned to want more "good" and to avoid "bad". Yet, I knew that if I could become conscious of these unconscious habits of judging everything into "good" or "bad" I would experience the peace I longed for which would make it worth the effort.

Breaking the judgement habit

I eliminated the "black and white" thinking from my thoughts and my speech by learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also known as the "Language of Compassion". It took me several years to break the habit of judging each thing that happened in my life as either "good" or "bad" but the peace of mind was so exhilarating I wanted to share NVC with everyone I met.

Yet there was still something missing-I was still not celebrating those flat tires! More about the missing piece in my next blog.

For today, please share how judgments affect your attitude. Also, have you made friends with your judgments-if so, does that shift your experience and if yes, how so?

Abiding Wealth in Our Relationships

  Are you wondering "How can we have everything we need for our relationships abiding or already within us?" "Isn't relationship success based on skills that you must learn?" Yes. And no.  I'll clarify what I mean.

Connection with self supports connection with others 

We have everything within us regarding feelings and needs. These are what let us know when we are moving into danger that has the hair standing up on the back of our necks. Our experience of sipping a cool drink on a hot summers day-our need for thirst is satisfied and our bodies let us know how much we enjoy that experience. If we didn't have needs, we might lay around like a dog, not ever moving, until we became hungry and/or wanted some affection.

Feelings and needs support us in knowing whether or not we can trust someone, discernment. If we overlook the messages we receive we can end up with regrets in our relationships down the road. Perhaps you have experienced this? It goes like this: We find ourselves heartbroken after seeing someone for a few weeks, months, or years and then we exclaim "I knew that guy was not honest on our first date!" But we didn't acknowledge and/or appreciate those messages and the consequence was pain.

Pain can be a teacher

The pain is telling us something as well. It is attempting to get our attention so we won't do the same thing again. So we will remember the experience and learn from it so we don't repeat it.

While we do have all the information we need within us for success in relationships (our feelings and needs/values), we may not have all the skills we need to share these. I certainly didn't. My students over the last ten years have not known how to share these either. Intimacy (the ability to allow another to "into-me-see") requires self-knowledge, a willingness to share that self-knowledge with another, and skills for communicating our self-knowledge to another. We can learn how to be vulnerable over time, as we feel safe, comfortable, and can trust ourselves (and later, others) without overriding our own inner limits of comfort.

Connection with others is easier when we are connected to ourselves

Vulnerability is a gift when there is safety

Vulnerability is not something our culture encourages. I recall how important it was  in Junior High to fit in.  I wore knee socks when the other girls at school were wearing  panty hose?  Being teased about this was embarrassing and I hated my parents for not  being willing to pay for panty hose.  I understand their concern that it would cost them  a pretty penny for a 12-year to learn how to wear panty hose without destroying them  everyday.  Being the eldest of four girls I would have set precedent for my three younger  sisters as well, which would have multiplying the cost by four.  Authenticity was not  appreciated (I still love knee socks) or valued and neither was being vulnerable. I learned  to hide my feelings of vulnerability in order to fit in.  I needed to learn how to feel safe in  my own skin before I could feel safe enough to choose to be vulnerable with anyone else  (I've written more about this in my book and possibly in a future blog post too). 

It has taken me many years to embrace vulnerability and experience the benefits firsthand.  I have grown in self-trust and this has allowed me to be more vulnerable with others while still feeling safe.  Being more open and vulnerable has created intimacy with myself and with others by deepening connection, trust, and intimacy.  Vulnerability has become more and more satisfying as a way of being than being protective.  In fact, it has given me freedom, authenticity, honesty, and autonomy in relationship with myself and others. 

Do you value vulnerability? If so, why? If not, why not? I look forward to hearing your comments below!

Abiding Wealth: Making Decisions with Ease and Confidence

 Folks say to make lists of pros and cons when we making decisions. They say to collect all the information, the facts. Yet research shows that purchases, even ones with higher price tags, are made on impulse and/or emotionally based rather than logical.

Marketers push our "not-enough button"

We have heard and seen the T.V. ads that show sexy women, scantily dressed, imploring we will have more fun, attract more love, get more sex, be more powerful, (fill in the blank) if we purchase this thing. These ads are designed to appeal to our "not enoughness", which encourages us to purchase products that will support us in feeling "enough". As you know by now, no matter how much money you spend, this doesn't work. That's because being enough has nothing to do with what sort of car we drive or any other purchase we might make. It is an inside job-the "enoughness" is something money and material possessions cannot touch/effect.

Bright, shiny objects can distract us from connecting with ourselves

"Enoughness", a verb in this case, comes from inside us. Decisions that support our well-being come from the same place that this "enoughness" comes from. It's a confidence, an inherent wisdom or knowing.

Confidence is power that comes from being connected to our inner resources

Confidence is known to be the most attractive quality for both men and women, when considering the opposite sex. Where does confidence come from? I believe it comes from knowing, which comes from our bodies. Knowing is not something that our minds can figurer out-it is wisdom that comes from our guts and our hearts, not our heads. Confidence is a certainly about ourselves whereas knowing is a certainty about something outside ourselves.

The next time you need to make a decision, whether it is what to have for lunch or whether to take a job and move across the country, check in with yourself and ask if you are confident/certain about the decision you are making. How do you know it is a decision that will support your well-being? Where did the information come from to make the confident decision? Please share your observations below and let me know your experience, ok?

Abiding Wealth: What feelings and needs have to do with happiness

Happy s a feellng. We experience this feeling when our needs are being met. When our needs are not being met, we might experience feelings like frustration, sadness, or regret.

Needs and Values are similar and guide us toward happiness

Needs are Universal, by this I mean all people have them, no matter where they live, how old (or young) they are, or what the balance is in their checking account. Needs can also be thought of as values or things that are important to us. Examples of needs/values include peace, food, respect, companionship, and trust.

We feel happy when our needs are being met. That is, when some need of mine is being experienced or fulfilled, such as being accepted I'm happy.

Reaching past happy-into ecstacy

Ecstacy is a really big happy and happens when our needs are met and then some. We are "over the top" happy when we are ecstatic. This can be during sex and orgasm or in our daily lives when we experience success or love in a big way.

I've noticed when I get in bed and have more than 9 hours to rest and sleep I can't stop giggling-it makes me so happy to have that spaciousness and time to rest! Is there something that makes you giggle with happiness, if so, post what it is below, so we can all share in the delight and perhaps even learn from each other!