What stories are you telling yourself?

Are you listening to the stories you are telling yourself?

Do you spend time alone each day? If so, do you listen to music during that time? Or are you someone who turns the TV on when you get up in the morning and leaves it on until you go to bed each night? If so, you might not be aware of what stories you are telling yourself. Yet these stories are running your life. 

Listening within brings freedom

I enjoy spending time in quiet each day. Whether this quiet time is spent in meditation or journaling or silence doesn't matter as much as that I'm being with myself in the silence. In this silence I can hear what I am saying to myself.

How our stories affect our life

Hearing our own thoughts is important because these "stories" create our feelings which in turn create our experiences in the world. Research has documented that 80% of the thoughts we think are the same day after day, throughout our whole lives. I believe this is because we are not listening to our thoughts. I believe that when we listen to our thoughts, we have more choice about what we think. After all, how can you change something if you are not even aware it exists?

An example from my life

I often heard my mother tell me that I was "too big" to be held. Intellectually, I knew she said this because she was required to wear a brace while pregnant with my sister when I was three. This brace supported her from having pain while her belly pinched a nerve from weight and it prohibited her from lifting more than a few pounds, including picking me up. Yet even with this understanding, I repeatedly experienced being "too big" throughout my life. I realized this story was operating for me when i did an exercise at an International Intensive Training in Nonviolent Communication, at the age of 49.

Trusting another to support us brings freedom 

In the exercise, we were instructed to lean into another person with our full weight, as they leaned back toward us, seeing if we trusted them to support us. I reluctantly created a triangle by leaning in, until the man I was partnered with said to me something about my reluctance. I was both shocked by his honesty as well as grateful for the information.

After that exercise I decided that it was safe for me to join "puppy piles" and snuggle with others and allow myself to be held, something that until then I had thought was for others but not for me. I realized that, in fact, I was not "too big" to be touched. I shifted my story from being "too big" to allowing myself to surrender to another and know that I could trust them to support my weight. This has increased my ability to be intimate in many ways.

Choosing the stories we tell ourselves empowers us

I hope you are empowered by this sort of thinking. It certainly has empowered me. I have, on more than one occasion, discovered a thought that surprised me. By becoming aware of these thoughts, I've seen how telling a "story" resulted in frustration and how that frustration was e a direct result of telling that story. By becoming aware of the story, I was able to change it to something I wanted instead. My point here is that you cannot change what you are not aware of and that by becoming aware of your thoughts you can have more choice about your experiences in life. 

What's your experience with "stories"?

Is there a story that you are becoming aware of? How can you change this story so that it empowers, rather than disempowers, you? I welcome your comments below! 

Acceptance and beyond (part 2)

In my last blog post, I wrote about how I had decided to become conscious of and eliminate judgmental thinking.  I shared about the peace of mind that resulted. 

Acceptance and relationships

I didn't say how this affected my relationships with others.  What happened was that harmony ensued, more than I had ever experienced before.  As I let go of thinking that anyone was "supposed to be" different from how they are, others noticed the shifts in my thinking and responded to them.  I was no longer "better than" or "less than" but more human, more heart-centered and less in my head.  

Before I tried this, even if I didn't share my thoughts or judgments with others they responded to me as though I had.  Eliminating judgmental thinking allowed me to have relationships with others that are much more fun, since we can now play instead of arguing about the "right" or "wrong" way to do something.  I also feel less lonely since I no longer distance myself from  people I had previously judged as "crazy" or "dangerous".  I began to have a community of my peers, give as well as receive support from others, and experience love and partnership because I didn't feel responsible for trying to change others.  I set myself free and I said to myself "Atlas, you can put the world down now!"    

I digress.  Yet didn't want to miss the chance to acknowledge and celebrate how eliminating judgmental thinking shifted my relationships with others.  Now, on to the missing piece from the last blog...  

The Missing piece-trust and faith

Before I could celebrate having a flat tire, rather than bemoan it, I needed to know that the flat tire was serving some purpose in my life.  That it was a gift.  That there was some meaning to it having happened.  Eliminating the judgment was the first step in shifting my experience.  Yet I also needed to have trust and faith that there is a bigger picture that is happening, that this bigger plan is orchestrated by a loving power, that I am part of that loving power, and that it wants me to be happy.  I needed to surrender to the flow of my life and believe that even a flat tire is serving some purpose.  Perhaps it is protecting me from experiencing an auto accident or traffic jam?  Or perhaps it is providing me with an opportunity to make a contribution to the flow of someone else's life?  

Who or what is in charge?

I don't believe that I'm a puppet on a string and some force outside myself is making things happen in my life, to me.  I believe that my life is a co-creation with a powerful loving force and that together we manifest things in the material realm.  I believe that bringing the spiritual into the physical is the goal of this partnership with The Source.  It needs my hands to make things happen on Earth and it communicates what it wants me to do through inspiration.

Real world experience

Not long after I made the decision to celebrate everything, including flat tires, I had a flat tire experience.  I pulled over to the side of the road and got out of my car.  It was threatening rain and before I could even see if a flat tire was what had been causing the unusual noise I had heard, a car pulled up behind me.  Two men in their 20's jumped out of their car and asked me if I needed a hand.  I was back on the road within minutes, just as the first raindrops fell on the windshield, having met two new friends, and shouting "Thank You God!"  This was more fun than my prior experience of having a flat tire where I cried and waited over-an-hour for AAA to arrive and change it! 

Can you see The Source's presence in this flower?

So changing my attitude and accepting what is happening in each moment, rather than wishing it was different from what it is, has definitely brought more peace into my life.  

What has been your experience with accepting and/or trying to change life's unexpected happenings?  Please share your comments below...

Acceptance and beyond (part 1)

Water flows to the sea.  Attempting to stop it is futile and creates unhappiness

Acceptance. Ah, just the word allows me to breathe easier. It creates peace and freedom inside my body. This peace and freedom create spaciousness in my mind and comes from not wanting things to be different from how they are. It comes from the mind slowing down the "if only's". The "if only's" are those thoughts that start out "if only…" (fill in the dots with something you wish were different). For example, if only my cat would sit in my lap, rather than climbing on my shoulders, if only my rent was $200 less each month, If only the democrats (or republicans) were in control of the Senate, if only I were 20 pounds lighter (or heavier), and on and on and on. The list never stops. We can either accept things or try to change them. Our choice determines how much peace we experience.

What can we change, really?

The only thing we really have control over, or can change, is our own attitude. Attempting to change anything else or anyone else, is going to rob us of peace and freedom. Trying to change others will likely lead to resentments and power struggles which will definitely take away our peace.

If we try to change things we could be in for a battle. If we accept things as they are, there is nothing to battle, nothing to fight, no struggle. There is peace, inside our heads and our bodies as well as in our relationships with self and others.

Except when our values need to be fought for…

There are times when choosing to do battle with/for something will create more internal peace than accepting it for how it is. Fighting injustices, for example, may allow us to experience more peace because we are aligned with our values but that is a subject for another blog post.

Beyond acceptance...

Years ago, I made a decision that I wanted to be able to not just accept but to celebrate things I had thought were unacceptable. I decided that I wanted to live my life celebrating the unexpected and the "undesirable". Specifically, I wanted to see if I could have a flat tire and shout "yes!" in acceptance and celebration of the experience. My decision was to not spend my time or energy lamenting what was and instead accept what is. The goal was to trust and celebrate what was happening, rather than try to change it. It was a grand experiment to see if acceptance would increase my peace and happiness. I believed if I could do accept and celebrate the things I had avoided or feared, I could create peace in my life on a moment-by-moment basis.

I knew when I made this decision that it would be a challenge. My thinking had been programmed in terms of "good" and "bad" and this way of thinking was a deeply ingrained habit that I knew would not be easy to break. I had been socially conditioned to want more "good" and to avoid "bad". Yet, I knew that if I could become conscious of these unconscious habits of judging everything into "good" or "bad" I would experience the peace I longed for which would make it worth the effort.

Breaking the judgement habit

I eliminated the "black and white" thinking from my thoughts and my speech by learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also known as the "Language of Compassion". It took me several years to break the habit of judging each thing that happened in my life as either "good" or "bad" but the peace of mind was so exhilarating I wanted to share NVC with everyone I met.

Yet there was still something missing-I was still not celebrating those flat tires! More about the missing piece in my next blog.

For today, please share how judgments affect your attitude. Also, have you made friends with your judgments-if so, does that shift your experience and if yes, how so?

Abiding Wealth in Our Relationships

  Are you wondering "How can we have everything we need for our relationships abiding or already within us?" "Isn't relationship success based on skills that you must learn?" Yes. And no.  I'll clarify what I mean.

Connection with self supports connection with others 

We have everything within us regarding feelings and needs. These are what let us know when we are moving into danger that has the hair standing up on the back of our necks. Our experience of sipping a cool drink on a hot summers day-our need for thirst is satisfied and our bodies let us know how much we enjoy that experience. If we didn't have needs, we might lay around like a dog, not ever moving, until we became hungry and/or wanted some affection.

Feelings and needs support us in knowing whether or not we can trust someone, discernment. If we overlook the messages we receive we can end up with regrets in our relationships down the road. Perhaps you have experienced this? It goes like this: We find ourselves heartbroken after seeing someone for a few weeks, months, or years and then we exclaim "I knew that guy was not honest on our first date!" But we didn't acknowledge and/or appreciate those messages and the consequence was pain.

Pain can be a teacher

The pain is telling us something as well. It is attempting to get our attention so we won't do the same thing again. So we will remember the experience and learn from it so we don't repeat it.

While we do have all the information we need within us for success in relationships (our feelings and needs/values), we may not have all the skills we need to share these. I certainly didn't. My students over the last ten years have not known how to share these either. Intimacy (the ability to allow another to "into-me-see") requires self-knowledge, a willingness to share that self-knowledge with another, and skills for communicating our self-knowledge to another. We can learn how to be vulnerable over time, as we feel safe, comfortable, and can trust ourselves (and later, others) without overriding our own inner limits of comfort.

Connection with others is easier when we are connected to ourselves

Vulnerability is a gift when there is safety

Vulnerability is not something our culture encourages. I recall how important it was  in Junior High to fit in.  I wore knee socks when the other girls at school were wearing  panty hose?  Being teased about this was embarrassing and I hated my parents for not  being willing to pay for panty hose.  I understand their concern that it would cost them  a pretty penny for a 12-year to learn how to wear panty hose without destroying them  everyday.  Being the eldest of four girls I would have set precedent for my three younger  sisters as well, which would have multiplying the cost by four.  Authenticity was not  appreciated (I still love knee socks) or valued and neither was being vulnerable. I learned  to hide my feelings of vulnerability in order to fit in.  I needed to learn how to feel safe in  my own skin before I could feel safe enough to choose to be vulnerable with anyone else  (I've written more about this in my book and possibly in a future blog post too). 

It has taken me many years to embrace vulnerability and experience the benefits firsthand.  I have grown in self-trust and this has allowed me to be more vulnerable with others while still feeling safe.  Being more open and vulnerable has created intimacy with myself and with others by deepening connection, trust, and intimacy.  Vulnerability has become more and more satisfying as a way of being than being protective.  In fact, it has given me freedom, authenticity, honesty, and autonomy in relationship with myself and others. 

Do you value vulnerability? If so, why? If not, why not? I look forward to hearing your comments below!

Abiding Wealth: Making Decisions with Ease and Confidence

 Folks say to make lists of pros and cons when we making decisions. They say to collect all the information, the facts. Yet research shows that purchases, even ones with higher price tags, are made on impulse and/or emotionally based rather than logical.

Marketers push our "not-enough button"

We have heard and seen the T.V. ads that show sexy women, scantily dressed, imploring we will have more fun, attract more love, get more sex, be more powerful, (fill in the blank) if we purchase this thing. These ads are designed to appeal to our "not enoughness", which encourages us to purchase products that will support us in feeling "enough". As you know by now, no matter how much money you spend, this doesn't work. That's because being enough has nothing to do with what sort of car we drive or any other purchase we might make. It is an inside job-the "enoughness" is something money and material possessions cannot touch/effect.

Bright, shiny objects can distract us from connecting with ourselves

"Enoughness", a verb in this case, comes from inside us. Decisions that support our well-being come from the same place that this "enoughness" comes from. It's a confidence, an inherent wisdom or knowing.

Confidence is power that comes from being connected to our inner resources

Confidence is known to be the most attractive quality for both men and women, when considering the opposite sex. Where does confidence come from? I believe it comes from knowing, which comes from our bodies. Knowing is not something that our minds can figurer out-it is wisdom that comes from our guts and our hearts, not our heads. Confidence is a certainly about ourselves whereas knowing is a certainty about something outside ourselves.

The next time you need to make a decision, whether it is what to have for lunch or whether to take a job and move across the country, check in with yourself and ask if you are confident/certain about the decision you are making. How do you know it is a decision that will support your well-being? Where did the information come from to make the confident decision? Please share your observations below and let me know your experience, ok?

Abiding Wealth: What feelings and needs have to do with happiness

Happy s a feellng. We experience this feeling when our needs are being met. When our needs are not being met, we might experience feelings like frustration, sadness, or regret.

Needs and Values are similar and guide us toward happiness

Needs are Universal, by this I mean all people have them, no matter where they live, how old (or young) they are, or what the balance is in their checking account. Needs can also be thought of as values or things that are important to us. Examples of needs/values include peace, food, respect, companionship, and trust.

We feel happy when our needs are being met. That is, when some need of mine is being experienced or fulfilled, such as being accepted I'm happy.

Reaching past happy-into ecstacy

Ecstacy is a really big happy and happens when our needs are met and then some. We are "over the top" happy when we are ecstatic. This can be during sex and orgasm or in our daily lives when we experience success or love in a big way.

I've noticed when I get in bed and have more than 9 hours to rest and sleep I can't stop giggling-it makes me so happy to have that spaciousness and time to rest! Is there something that makes you giggle with happiness, if so, post what it is below, so we can all share in the delight and perhaps even learn from each other!

Abiding Wealth: An Exploration of Our Inner Resources

What are inner resources? How do they impact our lives?

Feelings and needs/values

I've been teaching feelings and needs since January, 2005. During this time, I've noticed that there are very few people who know what they are feeling and/or needing in each moment. I mourn this because how can we get what we need if we don't know what it is?  Yet our education system, all 12 years of elementary school, doesn't mention feelings or needs or teach us how to recognize them. Why? What would happen if people were in touch with our feelings and needs/values?

Navigating by our internal compass provides autonomy and personal power 

We would be less easily controlled by outside forces, certainly. We would follow our inner longings and guidance. We would be self-directed and less easily manipulated by others. This would not serve those who are in power in the world. Yet it would support each of us in our individual "pursuit of happiness".

This greater fulfillment would, in turn, make it even less likely that "the powers that be" would have us doing what they want us to do. It would mean that we each would be listening to our internal compass and navigating our lives from this place.

The gifts of all six "senses"

Other internal resources, in addition to our feelings and values, include our intuition. This gift is something that the majority of people in our culture don't even believe exists. Yet each time I have spoken with someone who is a professional psychic they have told me that we each have this ability, not just a few of us. Yet when I've worked at Health Fairs where psychics were present, people are very willing to pay money to hear what they have to say. There are even people who follow the guidance of a psychic on a daily basis, as though they are blind and the psychic can see what is ahead for them more clearly than they can see their own future.

We each have our intellect and all of our five (some say six) senses as well. These are resources that we can call on to navigate our way to the most satisfying and fulfilling path for our individual Soul's. Yet how many choose careers based upon what their parents value, rather than checking their inner resources? How many choose a career based upon the job market, instead of what would make their heart sing?

For You 

Using inner resources leads us in a different direction

Career is not the only area where inner resources come in handy when making a decision. Have you ever said you wished you had followed your intuition and had regrets when you didn't? Have you ever met someone and known on the first date that they were (fill in the blank) and things would not work between you yet continued to date them, only to break up years later for the reason you filled in the blank? Have you ever had an urge to bring something with you as you left the house and not done so, only to regret it when you arrived at your destination? These are a few examples of ways our inner resources support us in our lives, and the consequences when we don't acknowledge and/or utilize them.


What internal resource do you value most in your own life?   I'd enjoy hearing your comments below.